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Cemetery, The - Massacre Video Print E-mail
User Rating: / 3
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Written by Richard Taylor   
Thursday, 19 February 2015
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BUY THE CEMETERY

AKA: Adam Ahlbrandt's The Cemetery

Directed by:
Adam Ahlbrandt
Written by:
Adam Ahlbrandt
Produced by:
Brian Iglesias, Anton Sattler, Natalie Jean
Cinematography by: Adam Ahlbrandt, Zafer Ulkucu
Editing by:
Adam Ahlbrandt, Anton Sattler
Music by:
Cleric
Special Effects by:
Tommy Kollmer, Steve Saturn
Cast: J.D. Brown, Natalie Jean, Adam Huss, Tim Cronin, Tabetha Ray, Halfbreed Billy Gram, Roberto Lombardi, Ruby Larocca
Year:
2013
Country:
USA
Language:
English
Color:
Color
Runtime:
1h 15min

Distributor: Massacre Video, Illusions Unlimited Films
 

These days it’s hard to stumble upon an original film. Horror movies in particular have been rehashing the same old formulas for years. Mind you, some newer films emerge from the ashes of mediocrity by reinventing themselves or following a well-known formula and bringing to light new angles on an old genre, or they just swamp the fucker with the most juicy well done disgusting gore effects they can find. Director Adam Alhbrandt (Cross Bearer) does just that.

This time we have a bumbling supernatural reality TV crew calling themselves "The Ghost Seekers" taking a trip into the woods of Pennsylvania. The skeptical crew set up camp foolishly in the center of a native cemetery and eventually a drop of sinner’s blood (as we see from the story told by the creepy narrator earlier in the film) is spilt awakening the evil buried there. The back story is one of the coolest things about the movie as the intro to the film goes back to Pennsylvania in 1671, where English settlers so gently move into native territory, only to find them all possessed. So what do they do? The only humane white man thing to do -- torture them of course, to get all those pesky demons out! Those settlers torture the natives and attempt to kill them in every way imaginable, but not much works. Since "The Ghost Seekers" crew doesn’t really believe in much, one of them actually acquired a book from a church on their last haunted gig -- a book which holds some rather disturbing secrets in it, that the church didn't want getting out. Cue to these poor saps awakening the demons in the cemetery that they are now camping in the middle of.

The creepy narration throughout the film is effective and another high point. The use of metal music throughout is something I also appreciate. We get tracks from Squash Bowels, Circle of Dead Children and Ulcerate. The special make-up effects crew deserve high praise and do a phenomenal job here and make the effects one of the best features of the whole outing. We get lots of great looking tattooed babes and funny (or annoying to some) sexual innuendo sprinkled in for good measure.

The biggest downfall of The Cemetery is the reprehensible characters and acting. We get a hall of typical bobble heads here, such as the stoner, the insecure geek with the slutty hot tattooed girlfriend, the bitchy and snotty medium who wants to be taken seriously and further her career, and then we get the host who jumps into over-the-top mode once the cameras of the reality show start rolling. The story is mediocre and littered with flashbacks of the settlers endlessly torturing poor bastards to death. It is ongoing throughout and gets old fast. The whole demonic cemetery with the film crew getting possessed and killed, dates back to storylines reminiscent of The Evil Dead. There are the same colored contacts in the eyes, snarling teeth and tortured moans and screams, plus the whole bodily dismemberment thing being the only way to kill the demons, aka cut off their fucking heads -- the material is just weak. The crew find out their cellphones don't work (surprise, surprise), in the dark they can't find their way out of the woods, the medium gets bad feelings about the place (predictable) and so on. The ending is also poorly done and meaningless with more dumb characters introduced.

We get lots of great perverted comedic punch lines like: "Who brought the wood?" in response: "I got a giant forest in my pants." Or the best and most offensive analogy for eating pussy ever "Going to be like an Ethiopian eating a can of beans." If anything, gorehounds will revel in all the grotesque gore effects and well done sound effects to match them. We're not talking about simple stabbings, we are talking about full on disemboweling carnage, especially in one scene where one of the possessed guts a victim in slow agonizing fashion and then proceeds to rip out and break off a femur bone in the leg to use as a weapon. We also get a bong in the throat scene -- something you don't see every day --which is also ironic, in relation to the character who meets his fate. Your flesh ripping, graphic gore desires are all here and done rather well.

Director Alhbrandt is no doubt on the right track with The Cemetery which has been held in high regard amongst the underground film community. Hopefully with his upcoming works we will get a fresher approach and less of him paying homage to his favourite horror movies. Don't get me wrong, I have watched and enjoyed movies that do pay homage to their predecessors and this is by no means one of the worst, but I'd like to see something more original next time around.

The Cemetery
is available in North America from Massacre Video.

 

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 RATING:
 MOVIE: 1 
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3.22 Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."

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