Things - Left Field Productions
Written by Chris Mayo   
Monday, 03 November 2008

AKA: Things 1989

Directed by: Andrew Jordan
Written by: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan
Produced by: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan
Cinematography by: Dan Riggs
Editing by: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan
Special Effects by: Glenn Orr
Music by: Jack Procher
Cast: Barry J. Gillis, Amber Lynn, Bruce Roach, Doug Bunston, Jan W. Pachul, Patricia Sadler
Year: 1989
Country: Canada
Language: English
Color: Color
Runtime: 90 minutes

Video: NTSC R1
Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1
Audio: Dolby Digital
Distributor: Left Field Productions

Originally arriving at the end of the straight-to-video wave of horror cheapies of the eighties, Things made an impact on those (un)fortunate enough to find a copy.  This Canadian assemblage of sloppily edited outrageous murky footage spliced together in the form of a horror film finally makes its way to infect another format.  With the 19 and a half year anniversary edition of Things, DVD has hit a new low.  Now a new generation of horror fans and people who have been desperately seeking this glistening turd for years can now experience this infamous abomination.  Be prepared to blow your mind!

Essentially the entirety of the film takes place in a house or cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Two friends, the mightily bearded Fred Horton (Bruce Roach) and the crustache/mullet festooned Don Drake (Barry J. Gillis) drink beers at his balding brother Doug’s (Doug Bunston) house.  After several beers and a stack of cheese sandwiches, things take a turn for the worse when creatures explode from Doug’s pregnant wife Susan’s gut.  Apparently, unable to have children, the couple attempted an artificial insemination with their Mad Scientist type doctor, Dr. Lucas (Jan W Pachul).  This pregnancy amassed a house full of spider-ant hybrid creatures with razor fangs and a fondness for human flesh.  Now the trio is forced to fend off the Things before the bloodbath goes any further.  Amongst all the chaos in the cabin there are also news broadcasts about the guy’s disappearance intertwined, and read to you by old school porn star Amber Lynn.

Things has to be seen to be believed.  It’s an experience like no other.  I haven’t had this much fun with a movie since the turkey-monster flick Blood Freak, and Blood Freak doesn’t come close to the absurdity that is ThingsThings is the work of a genius, or a madman.  I have yet to figure it out.  How could a team of filmmakers concoct such a horrid film?  Such a horrid film that is so damned entertaining?!  From the dreadful acting and insane dialog, to the mindboggling bad continuity and outrageous dubbing, this film reaches a new low in bad cinema.

Things actually blew my mind.  The movie makes use of its characters when needed and merely discards them at whim.  At one point the film has no use for Fred so its explanation is for Drake to tell his brother that Fred got “sucked into the fourth, fifth, and sixth dimension” while they look at a small hole in the cupboard!  Later, when needed, Fred inexplicably returns with a chainsaw.  Another hilarious situation has Drake struggling to lift his brother upstairs where he proclaims “I wish I had a midget for a brother.”  Whacky dialog is spewed so much throughout this movie as if it was a big inside joke. Some more highlights include: “Next time you come with me, you’re staying home” and “How do you get paper children?  You fuck a bag lady!

Everything about Things is awful, right down to the red and golden title sequence that opens the film.  A saving grace of awesomeness could possibly be some cool gore, but that is squandered by being shot on 8mm (the Amber Lynn scenes and a few others were shot 16mm) and the ineptitude of the foggy transfer.  Many will say that Things is the worst movie ever made, even surpassing the reigning champ Plan 9 from Outer Space and that may be so, but Things shines with entertainment.  This new release proves that DVD was invented so that Things could warp a wider audience.  Things is an experience for the brave.  So if you think you can survive the Things, then pick up this Canadian disaster-piece!

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- Audio Commentary
- TV Appearances
- Trailers
- Cutting Room Floor
- Still Gallery
- Music
- Amber Lynn Behind the Scenes
- THINGS-ites
- THINGS Party Version
- Bruce Roach Interview
- Things Reunion

The 19 ½ Year Anniversary Limited Edition of Things is brought to DVD in association with Cinema Sewer and Left Field Productions.  The DVD packaging and menu design is as horrible as the production values of the film itself, which is quite fitting.  Aside from such an ugly design, Things-ites should be happy to find a mountain of extras to explore.  There is an ‘Audio Commentary’ with Director Andrew Jordon, stars Barry J. Gillis, Doug Bunston, Jan W. Pachul and Victoria Elizabeth Turnbull (Gillis’s daughter).  Gillis is the most entertaining, laughing throughout and reveals his reasoning for his mullet was that he was going through a hard time at the time.  The commentary sometimes overstays its welcome with goofiness.  You could make a drinking game out of Turnbull repeating “ridiculous” and “seriously” before she finally abandons the recording unable to get through the entire screening.  The disc contains some old ‘TV Appearances’ from the ‘Cape Breton Report’, ‘ATV News’ and gag interview with the creature they call Irving.  The ‘Cutting Room Floor’ contains three sections, including ’Dr. Lucas’ Castle’ which shows unused footage of a castle on the water, ‘Fun With Echo’ has Gillis messing around with vocal effects and ‘Title Effects Outtakes’ shows just that.  There is a ‘Still Gallery’, a ‘Music’ section, an ‘Amber Lynn Behind the Scenes’ section shot on VHS that visually looks better than the entire film itself. ‘THINGS-ties’ gives the definition of being the ultimate Things fan, and ‘THINGS Party Version’ makes a drinking game out of the movie.  Rounding out the supplements is a ‘Bruce Roach Interview’ from the back of a car and a ‘Things Reunion’ which essentially contains everyone from the Commentary in the same room discussing all things Things.  This is a nice accompaniment to the commentary, but is a lot more informative and entertaining (minus the lame ventriloquist host).  There’s literally hours to be explored on this limited edition DVD.


VIDEO: 1.33:1 Anamorphic 1 Skull - Severed Cinema1 Skull - Severed CinemaNo Skull - Severed CinemaNo Skull - Severed CinemaNo Skull - Severed Cinema
AUDIO: Dolby Digital 1 Skull - Severed Cinema1 Skull - Severed CinemaHalf Skull - Severed CinemaNo Skull - Severed CinemaNo Skull - Severed Cinema
DVD: Left Field Productions 1 Skull - Severed Cinema1 Skull - Severed Cinema1 Skull - Severed Cinema1 Skull - Severed CinemaHalf Skull - Severed Cinema
MOVIE: "Things" 1 Skull - Severed Cinema1 Skull - Severed Cinema1 Skull - Severed CinemaHalf Skull - Severed CinemaNo Skull - Severed Cinema


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Barry J. Gillis  - THINGS DVD review...     | |2008-11-09 16:53:04
Hey Chris... I just read your review, and I must say I really enjoyed it, and I
also like the pictures, and work you put into doing this reviewwill add a link

WICKED WORLD is being remastered,etc right now...
here's the link to some footage... 0YE
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Last Updated ( Saturday, 08 November 2008 )