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X-Ray (Hospital Massacre) - Cannon Films Print E-mail
User Rating: / 3
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Written by Richard Taylor   
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Severed Cinema review of X-Ray (aka Hospital Massacre) from Cannon Films and Shout Factory


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AKA: Hospital Massacre, Ward 13, Rayos X, Rayons X, Xray, Ακτίνα θανάτου, Резня в больнице, Be My Valentine, or Else..., X-Ray - Der erste Mord geschah am Valentinstag

Directed by: Boaz Davidson
Written by: Boaz Davidson
Produced by: Yoram Globus, Menahem Golan
Cinematography by: Nicholas Josef von Sternberg
Editing by: Jon Koslowsky
Music by: Arlon Ober
Special Effects: Joe Quinlivan
Cast: Barbi Benton, Charles Lucia, Jon Van Ness, John Warner Williams, Den Surles, Karen Smith, Michael Frost, Jimmy Stathis, Lanny Duncan
Year: 1981
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Runtime: 1h 29min

Studio: Cannon Films
Distributor: Shout Factory

Cannon Films strike again with this Valentineís Day/Hospital themed slasher of bat shit craziness. Producers Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan sure know how to pick 'em and produce 'em. I remember watching and reviewing another Cannon nut fest titled New Yearís Evil (review here) which was the perfect off-the-wall Ď80s film that summed up New Yearís perfectly. X-Ray (aka Hospital Massacre) doesn't exactly sum up what itís really like inside a hospital, although I'm sure itís traumatic for many who have had the misfortune of staying due to sickness/accidents etcetera. Letís put it this way, don't let this movie serve as a valid interpretation of what actually goes on in a hospital, like I said before, because if it is then itís gotten malpractice written all over it motherfucker.

I love the plot to this one. Itís so fucking goofy yet in today's society, especially in Murica, people are killed for giving someone a dirty look so in actuality I guess it does have some merit today! The beginning of the movie occurs on Valentineís Day as a brother and sister play with a train set when another neighborhood boy drops by, and has an obvious crush on the little girl, wanting her to be his valentine. The little girl laughs at the boy thus this childhood humiliation sets the murderous gears in motion as this kid holds one serious grudge. I'd hate to see if someone skipped in front of him in the checkout line at Walmart or took his parking spot.

Years later, we are introduced to that girl who shunned the little boy on Valentine's Day. She has now grown up and turned into ex-playboy model and Hugh Hefner muse Barbi Benton. Benton plays Susan Jeremy, who has to pay a simple visit to a hospital which turns into a not so simple visit to get back some test results. We also see that Susan is divorced and itís her creepy ex's weekend to take the kids. Another possible plot formality or is it? Once Susan gets inside things start going tits up for her (literally) as it seems a masked madman donning a surgeon-like scrubs outfit is meddling with her records and tests. Not only is the madman fucking with Susan, he is also killing various residents of the hospital. Could it be the disgruntled valentine!? How the fuck did he find her at that particular hospital!? This guyís stalking skills are uncanny!

X-Ray could have been a much better film if it contained better make-up effects work. We get nothing special in the gore department, a couple of stabbings and other simple blood splash kills but no cool prosthetic art. Fortunately Benton disrobes and she is very lovely especially those nice wide areolas. It seems as if everyone in this hospital of fuckery is an absolute and complete ass clown. Susan is placed in a room with three weird old creepy ladies always cackling shit, the doctors are all creeps, other patients are perverted weirdos, and for some fucked reason one floor of the hospital is currently being fumigated but they still let admitted patients roam around that floor freely, such as those creepy old ladies I mentioned earlier. The movie is just beyond all reason as it tries to introduce half-assed red herrings and jump scares that go nowhere.

In true Cannon Films fashion you can expect lots of nonsensical madness, sleaze, weirdness and over-the-top bad performances. X-Ray entertaining to a point but then you wish they'd hurry up and get Susan's fucking tests back so this shit can end. I think a good double bill would be X-Ray and New Yearís Evil because they are both 10s on the so campy and bad itís good scale. If you go in with that mind-set watching X-Ray I think you'll at least find the film amusing and get a few chuckles out of it.

 

 

 

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