Calling Nurse Meow Review from BayView Entertainment!
There are those kinds of films in the bottom of the trash barrel that exist to play in a room for drunk people. You put it on in the background hoping to merge into the pissed-up atmosphere. Calling Nurse Meow would have an opposite effect, everyone would leave, but before going, take turns kicking your TV in, and then probably you as well.
Please note that our review is for the first half an hour only and not the complete film, so this could be seen as unfair, but we don’t really care.
There’s a funky Vipco intro, then a long cool cemetery pan scene, all black and white backed by a crescendo of classical music. This is nice, likeable, and bringing forth hope. We cut to a goth lady sat reading a book under candlelight. She turns to the camera to be our seductive crypt keeper of sorts for this collection. Unfortunately, she has a truly annoying posh voice, but y’ know, can’t be helped.
Story one, Nurse Meow & The Hunt for Sexy Bigfoot, begins with a rag tag bunch of lads out and about hunting for a Sexy Bigfoot in the woods. They speak pointlessly in quazi-Aussie accents. One of them, an extra dumb looking bloke wants to be the first man to “…fuck a Bigfoot.” He takes a piss, farting. Oh, how fucking funny and unpredictable that was!! He comes (hehe) across our title character, Nurse Meow (Laura Barker) knelt in skimpy wear with a picnic basket full of sex toys. It’s the first time we’ve seen this UK Troma girl, basically she’s a kitty with ears and hardly any clothes, tail attachment included, and she meows, acts like a feline.
Nurse Meow bites his dick off when he forces her to suck him. Alerted by the screaming, his buddies arrive thinking the Bigfoot has done it. “Bigfoot is a dirty pervert!” The humour is so stiff, forced, and fucking leaks diluted feces everywhere. Written by someone who obviously doesn’t grasp a way to write even basic toilet humour. Anyway, they catch our cat girl, and ball gag her. She meows a bit.
Here arrives the Sexy Bigfoot, basically a woman in a fisher price mock up costume. She swipes at one bloke with insane violent boredom and there’s CGI splatter on the lens. Old school Sci-Fi Channel splatter CGI. Okay that’s comical. His stomach is torn out and his toy rifle is broken in half. Nurse Meow gently taps the other hunter to death with a King Dong dildo, then Sexy Bigfoot and her make out. In fact, I wasn’t looking at this point, I was writing this down, but figured by the general stagnant virgin odour of the script it would be happening. My beloved Partner in Gore Willow Brian told me afterwards, so I feel some achievement. No, not really, I felt sad. The segment faded out as I looked up.
“So glad you enjoyed that.” says the port sipping posh goth lady. Erm, nope we didn’t. Willow was at that point boredly munching a bag of Gurarati Mix, whilst I had realised ten minutes into this energy vampire of an atrocity, a rare thing could happen. Calling Nurse Meow might get a negative. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever given a zero in my over ten years of reviewing. I try to be positive and constructive, but this was making me destructive. Ah well, still a load more to go, not to worry.
The second segment, The Peeping Milk, promises goth lady, is sillier and all about Flaps stalking Nurse Meow, or something. Fucking joy!!!!! Meow sits in a kitchen while Ennio Morricone music plays. She diddles with her nipples for the pleasure of nobody but maybe the writer and a handful of sweaty men. To think the actress travelled from her hometown of Scarborough for this marvelous work of art. Flaps is a skinny reprobate Renfield bloke who peeks around a door leering until a loud-mouthed bald steampunk goggles wearing Doctor beats him mildly. This guy speaks in a stop start delivery as he struggles with the script and probably basic language. Great red leather coat though. He carries Nurse Meow away to give her “Special milk.”
“Gosh,” says posh girl, “that was a quickie pile of shit!” No, she didn’t say that, but she acts all hot and flustered. I guess she wasn’t watching and had no idea what she was lending her, ahem, vocal talents to.
The Third story, The Hideout, starts and there’s one of our city landmarks, The Humber Bridge. Eeeeh, cool. “Finally, something interesting,” said Willow. Looks like the exterior shots were based in our city to.
We’re now in a derelict building and two girls stagger in. Oone is injured. They’ve robbed a jewellery shop. This is similar to Jean Rollin’s flick, Requiem for a Vampire, but minus the clown suits. This chapter is different, seems to be an interesting intelligent script plus a couple of actors involved. They decide to hide out for a while. Sophie goes investigating and we see a glimpse of Nurse Meow somewhere nearby. There are jars of viscera by a sink. Suddenly the gore is in abundance as Meow attacks.
Long Marlon Brando deaths aside, this was a good little story. Fun, not oozing sad pathetic lad humour. It was short lived because unfortunately next we have Dr. Dilf and Flaps again. Nurse Meow has a companion nurse now, a sharp-faced top-heavy woman who gets off with her while Dilf shouts in stop motion on a phone. He’s making a super soldier or whatever. As Dilf fumbles through his words, Willow growled, “I can see why Chris (Chris Severed) only got through half an hour.” We were at the 25-minutes mark. There’s a bottle on a shelf labelled SPUNK. Oh, the side-splitting humour is too much. I can’t take any more. For our own safety I did a first — I switched off. No flicking further on, I switched it off. So, apologies if anything absolutely magnificent that is awaiting beyond that moment. Fuck that!!!!!
Nurse Meow, Dilf, Cockwomble, and Cuntfuck, I don’t care. Whoever it is can just fuck off back into Viz magazine (no, Viz is well constructed, back to the ‘90s knock offs like Gutter and Kack) and lads mag chortle fests.
I’m going to read other reviews to see if it was just us, are we alone in our feelings? Are some being supportive or charitable? Joe Cash and Sam Kurd you are probably lovely people, but you write like shit. I review from a fan point of view because I’ve been a trash fan since the ‘80s, but this fan has met his match finally. Thanks. Let’s put this into perspective. Regardless of reviewing or not, I have never switched a film off. Willow and I are trash fiends. Low budget trash. Calling Nurse Meow isn’t worthy of the term trash because that carries honour and collectability. This represents my area in the UK for Troma. Fuck! I guess Lloyd hasn’t seen many British cult flicks then.
The awkward filming adds to the immature writing, aside from The Hideout segment which is a brave entry among the cesspool of toss. The central character turns out to be a one trick pony (or Kitty). She does the same things over and over. I blame the creators (ha, she contributed to much of this) as maybe she has some talent, but it’s not truly represented here. Calling Nurse Meow is stinking unburied cat shit.
Write a movie not from the view of a 12-year-old whose fantasy world is cat girls. Write something that isn’t a cringe worthy sexless joyless void. I’m sure Joe will love this review. He might be like NWA used to be and collect bad ones. Frame it, gold plated, or laugh at me. I truly do not care. There’ll be an audience somewhere. Maybe 70 percent neck bearded men inserting themselves into a crusty sock. I wish Joe and the gang luck, I do.
To think, me and Willow nearly got involved in this earlier this year, but two things stopped me, time and gut instinct. Chris Severed asked me to be nice after I ranted to him since it’s the season of being caring, etcetera. This has been me being nice. You would have to read my original notes to understand just how nice I’ve been. I could be constructive, but I’m just a 48-year-old horror fan who’s drooled over films since the early ‘80s aged around 7, and Willow has been a fanatic since she was about 8, she’s 31 now, so what do we know?!
Additionally, my youngest son, Kane loved the sound of it and plans to watch it. He’s currently laughing over the names Dr. Dilf and Flaps. I give in, I truly give in…
Directed by: Joe Cash, Laura Barker, Jason Impey, Dan Urban, Kaylan Jordan-Sen, John W.T.
Written by: Joe Cash, Kaylan Jordan-Sen, Sam Kurd, Sam Mason-Bell, Ian Sen
Produced by: Joe Cash, Kaylan Jordan-Sen, Sam Kurd, Ian Sen, John W.T.
Cinematography by: Todd Franklin
Special Effects by: Joe Cash, Rachel Tonks Hill, Ian Sen
Editing by: Simon Gibbs, Kaylan Jordan-Sen, Ian Sen
Music by: Kaylan Jordan-Sen, Danny Rowe
Cast: Laura Barker, Micheal Barraclough, Chris Branston, Joe Cash, Rachael Caulton, Chris Curtis
Year: 2022
Country: United Kingdom
Language: English
Colour: Colour
Runtime: 1h 37min
Studio: Cockroach Co,Screaming Screening
Distributor: BayView Entertainment, Vipco