Creepy’s Clingfilmed Capsules: Mini Reviews Part 1
Grave Robbing for Morons
Scouring YouTube and the internet in general I come across a lot of random and head turning little cretins that are crying out to be mentioned or reviewed in case the right people have missed them over the years. However, many are just tiny clips or longer ones that just doesn’t have enough in them to broaden and stretch into a full review or article. So, roll up ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the first of probably a very irregular thing I’m going to do where I throw a few of these oddities together and show everyone the wild wild world of Jay Creepy’s finds — this time arond, Grave Robbing for Morons, Hell’s Angels London: A BBC Documentary, and Skywhales.
The start of this has to be one you’ve likely seen but it has to be said, listening to a dead (ho-ho-ho) serious teenage kid in a grungy jacket explain the definite do and honestly don’t points of body snatching whilst cradling a real human skull is a wonderful and hypnotic experience. Yeah, I’m talking about the 26-minute VHS tape which found its way onto You Tube called, Grave Robbing for Morons.
The tape was circulated back in the early ‘90s at a time way before the internet boom and no one knew if this was for real. Who was the lad? Who were his mentioned grave robbing chums? Well, we’re now in the enlightened age of the internet – the biggest library of knowledge in existence so I guess the mystery was resolved? Nope! Even in 2020, people are still discussing it. One thing that has been agreed upon by a few sources is, by scrutinising the footage, it is a real skull in his hands. Whether or not the kid is a cash in on death documentaries character or he has tried out a bit of the old resurrection business, or he’s a dickhead NYC kid trying to be hardcore and cool, we might never know unless he one day as a middle aged man appears on one of the sites dedicated to finding him and says, “It was me!”
My opinion? I’m not going to say, I’m just going to review it. Arriving in mid-sentence, he’s explaining how to remove what is left of the hair on a skull. “It’ll make a disgusting noise.” However, he goes on to tell us that if you’re claiming the cranium of someone important and you have a client willing to pay good money, keep the moustache, he says by example. Or dentures, as he reaches across a table covered in bones (and an Evil Dead 2 tape) to grab a top palate. As we go on, he struggles a bit with his speech here and there but goes through various parts and pieces of the skull you’ll find and what condition it might be in. Bonus for those wanting to work hard and get a bit dirty, he shows us how to remove any parts of the brain left inside via the neck hole. Dilute any bleach you use, there’ll be different colour skulls depending on the age, the trick of finding fingers, and so on. He’s smashed his knuckles at one point, I noticed.
Along the way we discover his name is Anthony. He nearly reveals his surname but changes his mind. The man behind the camera is Gino. Others are called Taco (or Daco, hard to figure out), and so on. They are almost cartoon character names. You need at least three people to take turns digging and choose a secluded place. He goes into the time of year to do it, the best weather, get half of the money agreed before taking the job on — he’s a wealth of information. Then the crunch, how not to leave witnesses if you’re seen. This kid is hardcore, man. He’s sold bits and pieces to “magic shops” and though this may sound a bit bizarre, let’s remember that up until a handful of years ago, human skulls still sold on eBay! He ends by saying they’ll continue, it’s fun, and they’re going to hit Harry Houdini next.
Regardless of its origins and who is behind it, Grave Robbing for Morons is effective, and filmed probably in the late 1980s. The quality is terrible but that makes it so much cooler. Anthony is either a pretty good actor, or he’s the genuine article. Either way, Grave Robbing for Morons is just great entertainment.
Hell’s Angels London: A BBC Documentary
Next up is a BBC documentary from 1973 on Hell’s Angels London. Running at 25-minutes in length, this turns out to be comedy gold in parts, which clearly wasn’t the intention of the makers nor the bikers. Being that my dad was a Hell’s Angel at this time (he was until he passed away, and many of my family members are bikers and associated with Hells Angels). I was really looking forwards to this. Good old BBC. Top marks for goofing up by forcing ridiculous scenarios and conversations, and by the looks of it, paying every member to be a stereotypical rough-edged biker like you’d find in a low budget film. It’s all sensationalism for housewives and middle-aged husbands to shake their heads at.
We have the plum in his mouth posh narrator introduce the selected club Vice President, John Cork, who first appeared in court, aged 12. His nickname? Mad John. I mean, what else could it be? “Yeah, the others thought of me as a nut-case,” he slurs, “So they named me, Mad John after a record.” Next up is Carl, who apparently became cross-eyed ever since “his eyes were knocked out of their sockets in a fight!” He drinks his beer and agrees. “I’ve kept me face the way it is for a long time. I enjoy a good scrap, quite frankly. But, I’ve been with psychos and they reckon I’m a psychopath anyway.” By this time, I realised what we have isn’t a time capsule of an era in biking, but a made-up garbage dump by the BBC that would at least give me a few giggles.
Thus, we are given a run-down of the daily “noneventful” existence of Mad John, then his friend, Nick arrives who is “on day release from the mental hospital.” Anyway, Hell’s Angels are always short of money, so they rely sometimes on stealing bikes. They apparently always need money for petrol, marijuana, LSD, grass, and acid, says the narrator. (Maybe cut the marijuana and LSD, stick to grass and acid that’d save a few quid. Honestly, this fucking narrator!!). A few of them jump in a van, driven by Prospect Bob who hasn’t slept for four days because he’s high on pills.
The more we find out about John, the more he’s such a bad guy. He’s married, but leaves his wife and kids all the time, so she’s divorcing him. We see him visit but he’s more concerned with the family pet than the children. Of course, he’s a biker, so that’d be right. Here we go, now this part I agree with because this subject has run a huge ingredient throughout Hell’s Angels across the decades – he pulls out a Nazi flag. Okay, but the way it’s done had me nearly fall off my chair laughing. First, we see John’s books, mainly on Hitler, etcetera, or to quote the narrator “their superhero.” and then the theme from A Clockwork Orange kicks in as he displays his flag. Why? Why is it, A Clockwork Orange then? Oh yes because it was controversial in the early ‘70s to those middle-aged viewers, of course! Ha-ha.
Whatever, next? What else do these naughty boys get up to? They explain how they torment prospects, eg, trainee club members because if they can tolerate all of that, they’ll be loyal in a fight and take anything. The gang set off for a weekend excursion out of the city. More than three of them can be a bad thing, apparently — a pack is explosive. On the way (after showing off loads on their bikes for the cameras) they discover a derelict barge on the river, so they decide to bunk down in it. Some of the gang head to a local café where they are refused service by a woman off camera who sounds like she’s reading a script. They decide to bring the rest back and smash the place up. Guess what though? They change their minds later and don’t bother.
The whole thing plays out as threatening as a dead frog, but on a positive note, it shows some wonderful shots of the UK in the early ‘70s and nice countryside locations as well. One cool part has the gang sat on the barge watching a bit of Jon Pertwee as Doctor Who. That is truly a soul capturing moment. There’s a comment amongst many on YouTube that says it’s like sitting through a twenty-five-minute Monty Python sketch. Indeed. It’s hard to imagine even the older viewers being convinced about what a threat to society this gang was. To quote one of the gang’s lovely Mothers, “So long as he behaves, he can be a Hells Angel.”
Skywhales
Lastly, I’ve found an old 1983 animation called, Skywhales. I recall it being shown on TV the same night as the premier of Rocky in the UK. Being that neither me nor my family were fussed by Rocky, we watched this 10-minute gem, then something else. The next day one of my friends, who used to twist his mouth like a clenched anus if he became angry, asked if I’d seen Rocky. Nope, I began telling him about Skywhales but he was lost and loud in the Rocky memory. Ah well. It’s not for everyone, but those few who discover it will enjoy a nice piece of film about an alien race who kind of live on a flat world (nothing like a disc world) and communicate in grunts and noises similar to Pingu. Because of this the artists rely on stressing emotions in the tones of the sounds and the faces of the characters. The men of the world hunt huge skywhales that fly around, and some of their numbers can suddenly change. Their eyes become black and they march into the centre of the city and fall into a well. This is all part and process of their civilisation.
To describe any more of this short will do some injustice because it’s one of those that is worth watching for the experience. If you love classic animation, you know, that crazy style early ‘80s stuff, with a good twist at the end, look up Skywhales on YouTube. Incidentally, one of the voice actors, Robert Llewellyn, has played Kryten in the long running UK Science Fiction comedy series, Red Dwarf for over thirty years.
In part 2 we’ll visit a tough police precinct in the South Bronx filmed in 1973 (whilst the Hell’s Angels were chilling on a barge watching Doctor Who) and also the most messed up biblical teaching’s courtesy of puppets. Bet you can’t wait for that, eh?
Movie Info:
Grave Robbing for Morons (198?/199?)
Starring: Anthony, Gino, A Skull
Runtime: 26 mins
Hell’s Angels London: A BBC Documentary (1973)
Starring: Mad John, Nick, Prospect Bob, Carl, Jon Pertwee (voice only)
Runtime: 25 mins
Skywhales (1983)
Directed & Written by: Phil Austin, Derek Hayes
Starring: Robert Llewellyn, Bernie Evans (all voices)
Runtime: 10 mins