Goremet Zombie Chef from Hell Review from Camp Video!

I suppose I find it hard to knock a film like Goremet Zombie Chef from Hell, which existed simply to be a cheap nasty on the mid ‘80s video market. A sneaky rental using an older buddy for scores of underage teens to watch goggle-eyed, as scenes of mass bloodletting filled their orbs. Scenes which are rather far away from each other and padded out by long, very overlong scenes of, well, people not doing much at all.

Many recoil at the terrible acting, dreadful directing, ridiculous script, dragging out of time, and so on. Me? I ask those people a question: if you’re a critic and you sit with a micro budget SOV mid ‘80s jolly which holds a title like Goremet Zombie Chef from Hell, what do you expect? Evil Dead? You watch these things for nasty as hell bloody murders, not classically trained thespians dancing to the words of Martin Scorsese.

So, on with the horror show. The opening ominous music is like an ‘80s mix of Elm Street and The Undertaker’s theme. Awesome. Any flick which begins with the execution or whatever, of a captive 600 years earlier for high treason by some council order out in a field with dodgy props in their hands, cannot be all bad can it?

“I am Goza. I have lived in splendour… and in poverty. You’ve passed by me, for over six hundred years! I have been cursed to live forever by the Brotherhood…” thus goes on a gentleman who faces us. He apparently lives for one thing only — human flesh. He loves it. He isn’t cursed, he is the curse on our stinking world. The actor is truly in the zone for his breaking the fourth wall speech.

Incidentally as we open the film proper, to a Run DMC style beat and a keyboard, we see Goza has his own club and bar. This is the realm of loud flowery shirts. He’s having to check over his books via a smug white shirt and tie health department man who threatens to close him down. Next thing you know, there’s a muffled cry and blood splashes the wall. The camera zooms and pans away on a machete through the face shot. Cool, but the actor is obviously holding the fake machete still in his clamped mouth. In typical gory horror fashion, when a punter asks to order the stew, Goza is seen mincing body parts.

Next comes a very overlong scene of two lovers in a park. They head over to Goza’s place where a fella warns them the devil himself runs it. “I make deliveries here.” says the lad. What comes next is hard to describe but, there’s a moment, around 10 seconds, of people dancing unconvincingly to a fluffy pop country music tune, in loud shirts. Why? I dunno, to be honest. “Can I get you something, my dear?” Goza asks Stella, who notices vile flaking skin on his arms. “My skin condition will be clear soon enough.” he says with sinister tones. Meanwhile, the bloke outside keeps warning people. Stella disappears. Her fella tucks into a burger, only to find her engagement ring in the meat. “You assholes! Holy shit! What’s going on here??!!” Goza and his huge bearded buddy, Blozor, deal with complaints. He’s thrown out of the bar.

More random choice scenes of punters enjoying the music, and then a fucking dire musical number in which a lifeguard sings the blues, as a saxophone plays whilst some dickhead plays guitar and a kazoo. Really? “Come on people, there’s no doubt, we’re all gonna party ‘til we all pass out… I’m your life guard baby, I sit on my throne, listening to Rocky blowing his saxophone…!” Yes, it is real, unfortunately. Our hero convinces a waitress at the bar to help him look for Stella. They both discover some truly nasty meat in the cellar. “I’m not gonna let those monsters get away with this!” he screams in rage. However, the waitress stabs him instead. She looks shocked. Goza stands nearby, with hypnotic eyes. “Bring me what I need, child!” he orders. Soon Goza is grinding the floor to that same beat which has run throughout and a girl gets her breasts out. This dance is around five minutes in duration. Oh My God!!! He drugs them, strips them, and does what he does. Body parts everywhere.

It seems nothing can stop Goza and Blozor. Even a cop who investigates, has his head sliced off. “You son of a bitch! I’m a cop!” he snarls a moment before. Blozor has fun drinking from the officer’s neck stump. However, all is not lost. It transpires that the Brotherhood are still around and are watching Goza. “Until Goza is destroyed, our Brotherhood will remain powerless!” They too are cursed and without a leader. Their penance for unleashing such a creature on mankind. Apparently, the planet is on the verge of darkness. The doom-sayer outside all along is also part of the Brotherhood. They are planning to destroy Goza once and for all.

Goremet has a simple plot (by no less than three people!!), no thrills or twists and a lot of scenes outstay their welcome, like a guest who farts on your new sofa. The acting is, for the most part, on a level of H.G. Lewis and his cast of Blood Feast. However, all that aside, this movie is a barrel of laughs. The effects range from beheading, stabbing, slicing up, heart removal, and other juicy moments, all done with cheap gusto. When Goza hasn’t partaken in his favourite dish for a while, his skin crumbles and hangs off him. His face gets the effect later on. Like a kids Halloween latex attempt. It is what it is — late night trash showing on some crappy TV channel when you flick about.

The music in Goremet Zombie Chef from Hell, though, takes the piss like a nurse with a sample bottle! Wow, it’s as if they have tried to formulate every cheesy and teeth grinding tune possible — then repeat it over and over again all along the running time! Goremet loses points for that. Indeed, other than that I was entertained simply by switching my mind off and going into it watching as it’s meant to be seen.

Goremet Zombie Chef from Hell hasn’t had an official DVD release at all by the looks of it. In fact, obscurity beckoned after its VHS distribution. This was viewed via a cruddy download with putrid sound. The shame.

Directed by: Don Swan
Written by: Don Swan, Jeff Baughn, William Highsmith
Produced by: Don Swan, William Highsmith, Jon Lamphere
Cinematography by: Don Swan
Editing by: Phil Erhardt
Music by: Steve Cunningham, Don Swan, Dan Smith
Special Effects by: Warren Graham, Theo Depuay
Cast: Theo Depuay, Kelley Kunicki, Michael O’Neill, Billy Scott, Alan Marx, Rocky Oliviero
Year: 1986
Language: English
Country: USA
Colour: Colour
Runtime: 1h 7min