Kiss My Ashes Review!

Ahhh, the wild and crazy world of Sam Salerno. I have walked its roads before with The Darkside of the Womb (see review here) where I infamously asked the Severed world to remove Sam’s head! Not because of the film or his writing — both of which were incredible — but his acting skills. I stand by that statement, Sam. Always and forever. I’m sure you may feel the same about me as the two movies I’m in go on release next year. The war shall begin thus again! Oh, mint, he’s in this one as ‘The Man with no Dick/ The Guy who Got his Penis Cut off’. So long as this bloke doesn’t have the voice of Dr. Hook, I may be kinder. We’ll see…

Kiss My Ashes opens with an atmospheric shot of a bloodied and dead priest and we see someone helping themselves to his rich red holy waters. Two people, Gregory and Claudia, sit at a long table as he states he is bored of life. She is dying. They lean in and kiss, giving a comical angle, as you are left smiling at the distance they sit. You’d have to see it, it’s cool. I had the pleasure of reading the script a while ago along with a few others, for an opinion. I recall a few little jokes are splattered around such as this.

As Gregory bathes, he recalls a time before her when he was in love with Mother Nature, when she was beautiful until buildings took her away. He speaks of one beautiful flower he sought to take care of, until its head was sliced off and blood flowed from its stem. He wishes for Nature, for she is dependable with her four seasons, unlike women, he says to his wife.

Let’s meet social outcast and girl who has her world tucked in the back of her mind, Scarlet, who on her solo wanderings around quiet areas chances upon a penis just laid about. Meh, what’s a girl to do? Pick it up, dust it off, and pop it in her bag. Good. Back home she rings her pal to come and have a look at the penis which now sits in a glass of water.

Meanwhile two detectives are watching Gregory and Claudia’s home. There’s a killer on the loose, but one detective is more shocked that Gregory kisses “that old woman!” He states it must be incest. God bless ‘em. In his mind they may also be baby eating alien satanic paedophiles to.

“Ewww, Scarlet, what the fuck? Who’s dick is that?” Tiffany isn’t actually a pal, we saw her earlier winding Scarlet up at school, but perhaps she’s the best Scarlet has when you need to show off a severed cock. “It’s mine. I found it.” muses Scarlet. Tiffany bugs her eyes. “That is fuckin’ sick! Hmm, I’m gonna tell everyone at school tomorrow and they’ll all know what a psycho bitch you are.” Scarlet shrugs, she isn’t too fussed.

“Oh yeah, wooo! That’s some good shit!” Hey look, it’s Sam regular, Matt McCarthy, aka Wee Matt and he’s snorting lines surrounded by women. “Your nose is bleeding,” says one of the girls. “That’s okay, baby, I O.D. all the time.” he grins. His name is Clive. He loves drugs and ladies, plus there’s a dead body in his kitchen. He meditates and sees a woman in black staring at the portrait of a man who looks like Phil Lynott – yeah I think it is, anyway, she begs her lost love to come visit her. From behind she is attacked.

“Looks like someone drank her blood.” comments one of our detectives on the scene whilst the new crime scene photographer (Fay Lytle) is about to puke. As the cops debate, Scarlet meets a lad called Mikey. He’s a misfit like herself and they skip school after he’s studied the penis. “It looks like someone cut it off with a kitchen knife.”

Anyway, we soon gather that Gregory is a vampire, and Clive can project his soul from his body allowing him to kill people whilst still sat in front of a police officer who suspects him. Kiss My Ashes powers on with a generous amount of energy like it’s drank seven cans of Red Bull laced with coke. The guy without a penis has a story to tell. Afterwards, our two teens plant his penis and by spring it has created a new life form – the Earth Child, who Scarlet calls Jim, after her father. Soon it’s demons all over the joint as Kiss My Ashes twists itself into a yoga position yet somehow doesn’t lose itself at any point, it remains entertaining and intelligently plotted (honestly, this is tight).

Sam Salerno is like a new John Waters. He has his sideshow gang of misfits on hand along with new faces, to make another low budget cheaply iced and baked cake that’s brimming with delicious ideas. This time round, unlike The Darkside of the Womb — even though the subject matter is as juicily insane — it’s like there’s a reality filter and it all makes sense in a blackly humorous way. It’s played very straight for the most part using themes such as a daffodil throughout amongst other things to make a dream like world.

I particularly like the richness and inventiveness of some angles, plus the moody lighting for many scenes. Sam has jumped way ahead of his previous film, yet hasn’t lost the fun tackiness along his journey. To be honest I wouldn’t compare either flick to one another simply because they are both a totally different style and feel.

The characters are portrayed with meaty gusto. All of ‘em are just enjoying themselves and those emotions can be felt as you view the film. When required it can be extreme ham slices of acting on purpose, then like I said before, it can be played very seriously, and this gives the movie a credible thumbs up. Well worth getting a hold of, but be warned, it’s like nothing you can expect.

I almost forgot — Sam’s character is actually pretty good this time ‘round. Naturally comical in a slacker way and he has a normal voice unlike Dr. Hook. Yeah, forget cutting his head off, everyone, he’s alright with me.

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