Maleficia Review from TetroVideo!
I do love a good ol’ low budget nonsense ‘80s or ‘90s gorefest. Maleficia is upcoming on TetroVideo and was made in 1998 by a group of French enthusiasts, not for shits and giggles, but in an attempt to throw together so much and a few gallons of blood, then unleash it on a small likeminded audience. In theory that may have been the plan. In practice…
We are in 1860, Norille, near Transylvania, and members of a noble family, the Karlsons, are travelling by horse drawn coach through the woods towards a castle they have inherited. The horse suddenly stops and refuses to move as if held by some invisible force, as one cast member states. Not far away they spot a troupe of cowled monks so the father of the group heads over.
We know that a mob of mysterious monks in the middle of nowhere spells danger, ala Werewolves on Wheels (see review of Werewolves on Wheels here) and Burial Ground. I called it, they’re sinister cultists sacrificing people. The leader of this mob begins to speak of Lucifer, but his voice is like he’s speaking down a long tube.
Oh, they’re all at it, all chanting down the tube. Fuck this is weird. He gestates a while, poses, then the blood begins, and it’s a lot. Crucifixion to introduce proceedings, as a rather lacklustre lady yelps a bit whilst nails are driven into her hands and feet (well at one point between her fingers safely into the wood). Once she’s been stabbed and he’s drank her blood, he announces for the spirits of the earth to rise and behold – zombies bursting from the ground!
Next up is a second girl who’s chained, then has her eyes gouged by a hot branding fork thing for over a minute or so running time. The zombies wander and stagger around the place whilst snarling and looking like they’re about to ask for spare change. Anyhow the tortures, cannibalism, and disembowelments, etcetera carry on for a while longer, until the father of the Karlson clan runs away in wide eyed horror. The sad sack gaggle of undead shuffle along after him, so the rest of the family run like hell.
They hide, they shriek, they fight, they run some more – this goes on and on. Brains are mashed along the way as are craniums. Some of them make it into the castle. The monks and their leader sort of find their way in, cue more shrieking, hiding, and running. Jesus, this is getting tedious. I love love budget stuff like I stated at the beginning of this, but only if at least a bit of care and love has been mixed in. I had more fun watching Suffer Little Children and Things than this so far. Takes more than just shoving your cast into costumes and then spurting blood everywhere, but currently as I type this, I’m 40-minutes in, so you never know…
No! We do know! Reunited with their solemn-faced father, the family of survivors are still pursued by the slow monks – I mean they are slow, as a matter of fact they make Fulci’s zombies appear to be track racers. These monks of spunk are as threatening as a pair of jeans discarded on the side of a road.
Okay, now there’s fucking vampires in the movie. They find coffins in the depth of the castle. Right, I kind of skipped a scene or two so I may skip a bit more see where we’re going in this calamity soon. There’s a vampire staked, then more shrieks and stuff to follow.
I see a huge gastric tumour of a problem in Maleficia, and that is there’s no fun. Sometimes a movie is serious and becomes comical. Sometimes one is a wink and a nudge to its absurdity so can also be fun. This is neither. This is a headless chicken running around a barnyard out of control and direction-less.
It’s very rare I lose total interest in anything I watch, but I was wavering by the half an hour mark because it felt as if my viewing displeasure was just a five-minute loop of shit over and over. Had I sat and wiped raw chilli into my eyes and my bell end I believe I would have had more entertainment writhing in agony.
Maleficia is disorganized chaos, and has ideas, but is achingly dull in its execution. One line delivered totally sums up my thoughts – “Help me, I can’t take it anymore!”
I’m sure some readers will be shaking their heads “Oh but Jay, it’s a cheap SOV flick from the late ‘90s.” I sat through such delights as Hot Vampire contained within the Peekarama collection (see review here), Sick-o-pathics (see review here) oh Lord, then there was (shudder) Nasty Nancy (see review here) and I have over my many decades ventured down many more truly awful pathways, endless places that are too numerous to mention.
Latter parts have more vampires, chained up women, and dark corridors in the castle, but any attempts to be Jean Rollin collapses through sheer stupidity, and the subtitles don’t help in any way shape nor form to solidify a plot. I think if I had watched without a translation, I would have been blissfully lost in the nonsense. However, if you’re here for the gore, then you’re in for a treat. There are loads of the stuff to be enjoyed, and some parts are fast-paced – unfortunately these are seldom seen.
I love TetroVideo, they are a great humongous barrel of quality usually, yet this may have been found in a junk shop somewhere and the director contacted for a joke. Seriously, Antoine really needs to pay TetroVideo money to cover any damage to their property as customers break in demanding to know whose idea it was to put this out.
I’ve saved the best ‘til the finale. Spoiler alert if you care…
As a devil possessed man is humping the central girl, the players pull away and we are shown the film set with the director speaking. The cast drive off afterwards only to have the car break down and a mass of monks approach. Antoine only did one film, just one film. Hmm… He did apparently make a three-hour one called Les Proiles Du Mal before that but it doesn’t get recognition.
He’s also called Dr. Gore, by the way. He was planning a trilogy with this, going on to Horrificia. Whether that came to fruition, I really don’t know or care to find out.
Maleficia has perhaps been the worst movie experience I have witnessed. Enter at your own risk. No matter how good the cover looks, this is a return to the old days of traps lurking on the video store shelves…
Directed by: Antoine Pellissier
Written by: Antoine Pellissier
Produced by: Antoine Pellissier
Cinematography by: Pierre Fonzes
Editing by: Pierre Fonzes
Special Effects by: Phillipe Bresson, Gilles Renac
Cast: Nelly Astaud, Guy Cicorelli, Maryline Soto, Claude Auger, Brigette Garrigue, Paul Gallet
Year: 1998
Country: France
Language: French (English subtitles)
Colour: Colour
Runtime: 1h 42 min
Studio: Pelissier Pictures Production
Distributor: TetroVideo
