Panties, Patients, and Pointless Murder: The Madness of X-Ray (aka Hospital Massacre)

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There seemed to be a decent handful of hospital horror movies around in the eighties. Films like Halloween II, Visiting Hours with Michael Ironside (frikkin awesome film showcasing why Mikey is one of the greatest villain actors of all time), and X-Ray (aka Hospital Massacre). Now this is a weird film. It’s so bad but in a compulsively watchable way. You can’t stop the movie even though it makes you cringe for all the wrong reasons. It’s so ridiculously entertaining.

X-Ray opens with a flashback sequence, which sets up a wonderfully cliché slasher potpourri: young Harold who is gazing through a window at the girl of his dreams, Susan who’s chilling with another boy in her living room whilst a toy train does its rounds. Harold knocks on the door, leaving her a Valentine and she brings it in. She’s a nasty little bitch, laughing at the fact it’s from him whilst he glares from the window. As Susan goes into the kitchen to slice some cake, Harold murders the unnamed boy, and we zoom forwards many years…

Susan is grown up, with an ex-husband, a new bloke, and a daughter. She’s off to hospital for a standard check-up for her new job. Unbeknownst to her, there’s a sinister medical deviant in a surgical mask and gown watching wide eyed from a window above. Yep, it’s gonna be a grown-up Harold, who has prepared a big elaborate revenge plan having probably seen her name on the list of folks due to check in that day.

Susan’s visit to the doctor is meant to be brief, with her boyfriend napping in the car waiting for her (he wakes up later to find it’s nighttime, and rushes inside and joins the pile of dead bodies). Meanwhile, masked Harold begins his diabolical plan by first murdering Susan’s physician then swapping her x ray results with some terminal end of life shit. This freaks out the creepy Dr Saxon, who insists Susan needs to stay in for more tests – one of which involves her sat and laid in just her panties whilst he lingers in an uncomfortably lengthy scene pressing various parts of her body. Susan doesn’t question his methods though she looks very unsettled. 

Now this hospital (as a factual note, the film was shot in an abandoned hospital which adds to the authentic feel of the corridors and wards) is more like a lunatic asylum. Populated by patients who are drunk wandering around, there’s a wild man in drag, two eerie old women, and much more. Add to the mix strange random scenes of staff walking around with artificial mannequins, an oddball janitor, plus a bearded doctor who simply stares daggers at Susan whilst she’s on the phone. (This hospital is absolutely fine with her constantly smoking wherever she likes — was it like that in USA ’81?) 

The nurses act like complete bitches to Susan — lovingly grabbing her and dragging her about when she refuses to stay, forcing her to do so at Saxon’s command. This is fine, because Susan is a completely unlikeable person. Snappy, sullen, and the character isn’t helped by ex-Playboy Playmate, Barbi Benton (who appeared in Deathstalker plus loads of single episodes of TV series) as she has two expressions throughout the film. Her resting face seems to be horrified! Barbi has a body and pouting lips on her talent CV. I’m surprised Troma films didn’t snap her up! 

Let’s get the funniest part of this film out of the way. There are red herrings galore, with multiple characters like Saxon, the janitor, and so many others set up as possible killers. Yet there’s also the young smiling handsome doctor who takes a liking to Susan. Couldn’t be him, no way. I mean, just because his name is Harry!!!

Fucking Hell, have I done a spoiler? X-Ray is not a hard movie to crack as it might as well be Columbo, showing who the bad guy is from the start. My Partner in Gore, Willow, and I, fingered him as the killer before he even said his name. Harold really racks up an impressive body count as he takes down a multitude of nurses, doctors, and the janitor, all to simply wheel Susan to a currently empty floor being fumigated. Earlier, three dramatic men in gas masks scare her as she’s in the elevator, which is one of those scenes that must be seen to be disbelieved, which we found plenty of those in the film.

To be honest, Harold didn’t need to murder so many people. Yes, her physician, yeah, the janitor who finds the physician dead, but the rest? Anyhow, the effects are brutal and startling with stabbings, decapitation, face burning, all whilst Harold breathes like an asthmatic paedophile in a playground behind his surgical mask. Harold rates alongside Dr. Giggles for over-the-top performances whilst dressed like someone of a medical nature. 

X-Ray is a ridiculous implausible course of events. The staff treat her like a dangerous lunatic who constantly needs restraining and drugging when she simply asks to leave. There are insane sequences like Susan ‘hiding’ behind a hospital screen in a corridor whilst the killer is near her basically looking right at her and he can’t see her!!!! They are both able to see each other eye level. Most outstanding has to be Susan running ward to ward looking for help. She opens a door to find three people bandaged head to foot and all three start writhing around screaming at her like some scene from Hell! It adds nothing to the story, it’s just there! Not forgetting a moment when a doorknob changes shape and side — a character is seen reaching for a knob on the left, but as the camera changes to inside the room, he’s opening from the right, and the knob has changed shape! 

X-Ray is a classic of the video tape era. One of those bizarre unforgettable rentals (in fact, as one scene played out, Willow suddenly sat up recalling she’d seen this movie aged around five, courtesy of her uncle). I mentioned before, the effects are great; bloody, merciless and painful. Thank you, Joe (Robocop 2, Face/Off, Without Warning, Revenge of the Ninja) Quinlivan, you are an unsung hero. The acting is middle of the road. Nobody really pulls up trees. The script is nonsense, but brilliant, however X-Ray stands out for two reasons…

The location is a character in itself. It’s so moody, dreadfully claustrophobic in parts. It has all the epic ingredients to be a right good chiller, just not playing host to this movie. Then there’s the soundtrack. Oh, my word! It’s like the Wish version of Goblin performing for Suspiria. Chants, wild noises, echoes — it’s fantastic. 

There are seemingly hundreds of forgotten slasher gems mulling around the dark alleys from the ‘70s and ‘80s. Most are worth hunting down. X-Ray definitely deserves a watch — it’s thrilling in mostly ways the makers didn’t intend it to be.

As stupid as it all seems, X-Ray is highly recommended for a relaxing comical night in front of the TV. Harold is a cool enough killer with severe breathing issues, but I doubt NECA would ever bother releasing a figure of him any time soon.

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AKA: Hospital Massacre, X-Ray: Massacre no Hospital, Massacre à L’Hôpital, Rayons X, Rayos X, В день святого Валентина, или ещё когда…, Резня в больнице, Рентген, Масакр у болници, Резня в больнице, Be My Valentine, or Else…, X-Ray – Der erste Mord geschah am Valentinstag

Directed by: Boaz Davidson
Written by: Boaz Davidson, Marc Behm
Produced by: Yoram Globus, Menahem Golan
Cinematography by: Nicholas Josef von Sternberg
Music by: Arlon Ober, Ira Hearshen
Special Effects by: Joe Quinlivan, Makeup Effects Laboratories
Cast: Barbi Benton, Chip Lucia, John Warner Williams, Gloria Jean Morrison, Karen Smith, Gay Austin, Den Surles
Year: 1981
Country: USA
Language: English 
Colour: Colour
Runtime: 1h 29min

Studio: The Cannon Group, Golan-Globus Productions
Distributor: Cannon Film Distributors, MGM Home Entertainment, Scream Factory, Vinegar Syndrome

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