Retard-O-Tron Video Mixtape Vol. 1: Where Absurdity and Obscenity Collide!
Mr. Robin Bougie, the Canadian legend who has been building a sleazy, dirty empire with the publication of Cinema Sewer since 1997, released a mixtape, Retard-o-tron. He’s a geek and a great artist as well, putting together works that house the lowest of the low when it comes to horror and porn (mainly porn). The man may have hairy palms, but we have to assume it’s all research for his job.
Retard-o-Tron emerged in 2005 (aided by ZXQL3000 of the Crazy Dave Tapes) as a video mixtape dedicated to the utter obscene and most stupid visuals you could suffer through. Weird Japanese adverts, programmes, and music vids sit alongside BMX accidents and lots of random bizarre porn clips — yes, there’s a lot of pornography with no missionary vanilla shit either. Oh yeah, a few old-school favs pop-up along the way including Tourette’s Guy and Bumfights. Yes indeed.
I have a premonition that hundreds of years from now, that the world has fallen into ruin. A sect of historians who, aside from surviving daily on instinct, battle to preserve any relics of a forgotten past. They have a generator and fire up a battered portable DVD player in a hope that the three volumes (yeah, we’ll be reviewing the other two someday) will bring forth beauty and wonders of civilizations dead. A shaking hand presses play; they sit back to watch part one…
I genuinely had no idea what to expect. I watched a few reviews on YouTube by the wonderful Tanner James (see Unboxed Watched and Reviewed ‘Retard O Tron 2 Movie Review’) so I only managed to prewarn my Partner in Gore, Willow, a fraction of things to come. She was kind of left temporarily as a basket case I think (perhaps she was born that way). Me? I love the intense magic of the ridiculous, of the repulsive, the sweet scent of chaos. This was marvellous in my mind.
After an in-yer-face blast intro showing almost subliminal clips of what’s awaiting you on your journey, we move straight into scat. A Japanese girl has her face under a toilet seat, and she’s been shit on so much like she’s going the wrong way to get a fake tan colour. She then walks down the busy streets covered in shit and absolutely nobody notices at all. Hahahaha.
BMX accidents are always a fun way to pass the time so the first of many crops up, followed by a security officer really losing her cool with the gang, “What you wanna do, boy??!!” Steel Justice is a promo for a failed TV show, only making itself a corner in telly history as a pilot. The voiceover is junk though, saying a cop’s dead son is reincarnated as a fire breathing robot toy. It’s not actually the premise (see ‘Canceled Before it Began: Steel Justice’) but the clips look great nonetheless. The surrealist classic, Un Chien Andalou showcases the infamous eyeball violence moment then we have an array of parkour fuck ups, more bike accidents, a lad on fire then it’s balls deep into the first porn clip. Bukkake with funny music. The aftermath to this segment is hilarious when a big beefy porn actor is pushed too far.
Yo, Lemmy of Motorhead is on here with a public service film about hermaphrodites. It’s not funny, rather painful, but it’s Troma stuff so watchable at least. There’s some really over-the-top martial arts stuff along the way, chopped up with more porn (wow for this one Willow nor I could figure out what the first thing going up the girl’s ass was, but it’s followed by a bong. Her fake moans say it all!)
I think there’s a classic old clip from the Japanese endurance game show, Za Gaman (aka Endurance). UK TV host, Clive James used to show some of the nastiest parts on his show when I was a kid. I lapped that shit up like a fiend. The Mighty Thor, a comedy series all about the viking man himself in modern society… sigh. He’s of course a confused oaf that manages to fight crime as well. God bless America.
Ahhhh here we go. If you notice before I go further, that I haven’t really described scenes in detail, it’s because it wouldn’t do much (Steel) justice to it all. Seek out Retard-o-Tron. Watch it however you can, especially for this showstopper — two lads jump from a roof as copycats who’ve been watching a lot of ECW rasslin’, judging by the age of the clip. They miss the table they were supposed to hit. They roll about the lawn in agony clutching their spines and screaming as music blasts out… “I broke my ass!!” This was rewound a couple of times by us.
Then there is more weird and wild Japanese porn including vomiting that would arouse Lucifer Valentine, strange shows from the same place of the rising sun, animations, brutal blow jobs, piss, animal fucking, and cream pies in the face — genuine cream pies. A girl gets slapped in the mush by a big-veined cock, dirty toes are lovingly licked, an Umpa Lumpa gets his dick sucked, and midgets get in on the clips to. Something Weird Video trailers pop up but actually blow badly.
We exchanged bewildered glances to one another whilst a girl stuck her head into a toilet whilst making cow and chicken noises… okay.
FUCK OFF HAVING STEWIE GRIFFIN IN THIS! FUCK OFF HAVING ANY FAMILY GUY CRAP!
Ahem, after that outburst which I did genuinely shout out at the time, there’s a second show-stopping moment that deserved multiple rewinds. A Fox News report about an upcoming grape stomping contest has the reporter trying it out, cheating, only to fall and properly injure herself. According to her agonised sounds, rather badly.
We have a commercial break with oodles of stills from the Crazy Dave Tape Volume 3. I need this series! Cult icon, David Hasselhoff drops by for a camp music video for Hooked on a Feeling that is simply terrible (welcome to Hell). Jackass also has a lot to answer for as we witness many painful stunts, then more BMX smacks, boards, etcetera. Kids don’t try this at home… or if you do always be filming.
Tragic David Rappaport (Time Bandits) showcases his comedic skills in a trailer for the TV show, Hooperman, as Nick Derringer PI. David was a wonderful bloke who tried to break through the stigmas of being a dwarf as he was a fine actor. I remember my childhood watching Time Bandits over and over, then seeing him in TV programmes like The Young Ones and The Kenny Everett Show. His suicide a great loss to cult movies and telly.
Wow, a really violent girl fight is shown with hardly any hair pulling. These two women are proper punching the hell outta one another. An old generation fav, Bumfights, arrived with a shouting dude who then begins to smash up a moving car as the people inside try desperately to escape. A shop at home samurai sword accident nearly made showstopper 3, but that title went to the group of lads taking turns riding a burning skateboard. That is some cool as fuck shit right there!
A lot of the footage benefits from comical music. With Retard-O-Tron Video Mixtape Vol. 1 you’ll learn that Japan is a wild place, pornography is acceptable and funny in most forms it takes, kids shouldn’t ride bikes down steps nor jump off roofs, but it’s definitely okay to ride a burning skateboard. Vile video oddities have never been so much fun.
Here is a trivia fact for if the question ever pops up regarding Retard-O-Tron: Roelewrapper who edited this beast also edited The Cumming of Jizzus which featured Robin Bougie and Chelsea Chainsaw who starred in Lucifer Valentine’s A Perfect Child of Satan (see review of Black Mass of the Nazi Sex Wizard and A Perfect Child of Satan double bill) which I personally feel is his greatest creation.
By the way, the future historians all killed one another as their work had no meaning and the fallen societies were of no worth to them!
Directed by: ZXQL3000
Produced by: Robin Bougie, ZXQL3000
Edited by: Roelewrapper
Music by: Various
Cast: Max Gardens, David Hasselhoff, David Rappaport, Chesty Morgan,
Year: 2005
Country: Canada
Language: English
Colour: Colour
Runtime: 1h 35min
Distributor: Cinema Sewer
