Schlock in the Sun: ‘Desert Fiends’ Delivers Grindhouse Mayhem
Prolific schlock horror Director Shawn C. Phillips has a fun one here with Desert Fiends (2024). It is a successful attempt at creating a Terrifier/grindhouse-styled film. It’s fun, engaging, and well directed with the character quirk-o-meter set to 11. We are literally in the low budget ‘80s again with this quirk-o-sphere cast!
Occasionally the shift from grindhouse film flicker to 4K drone footage gets a bit daunting but it’s a style brought on by limitation, perhaps, as much as choice which is the charm of grindhouse to begin with.
Two truck drivers who dump pollution for a living exit their truck. We get the usual banter found in grindhouse-style films about balls being better off on the inside. To prove his point to his retarded friend he kicks him in the nuts. His friend has no hostility. All in a day’s work apparently. (He ‘turned the other nut’ instead of cheek, I guess). The nut kicking truck driver takes a piss nearby and a leather barbed wire and spiked strap latches onto the tip of his full-on penis and rips it off in bloody stump fashion in gruesome oozing detail.
Meanwhile the retard who got his nuts kicked, in his cowboy hat, is grabbed by an unseen fiend and his head is dunked into the open barrel toxic waste melting his face into a fleshless corpse. The fiends finish him off.
We get the full synth/Terrifier-style opener with same Terrifier font graphic. Which is kind of funny with how on the nose it is.
Crazy 21st party of a sad sac girl, whose creepy parents sing zanily and drop her cake on the floor and keep singing anyway. They act creepily and falsely positive. Twin Peaks-style family values here. The girl who is 21 doesn’t look them in the eye (classic victim response) and she’s scared.
Mom says when she was 21, she wanted booze, booze, booze. Dad says for him it was “Boobs, boobs, boobs,” and he adds he “still likes boobs today.” Happy Birthday!
She’s waiting for her boyfriend’s surprise gift. These parents say he’s a wanker that’ll only give her a “downstairs itch.“
Ultra schmuck boyfriend is at the counter looking for her last-minute 21st b-day gift. He tells the counter his girlfriend is “mid” so what can he get her for $50 bucks? That’s easy! A bunch of tickets for him and his friends to go see “Dr. Ass” or “Dr. Beef Curtains” (whoever the fuck fictional performer) way the fuck out in the desert someplace. He takes the deal.
It’s now evil corporation time with the head of it being none other than, Tom Arnold! He hates being interrupted during lunch for his “special bird time” with that metronome bird that bobs back and forth, like the one in Alien (1979). It’s hard to believe they’re still around. Tom is an impatient man. Especially when it comes to his evil plans to dispose of toxic waste as evidence. The two truck drivers who died in the opening scene were his and he needs two new schlubs to finish the job.
After shenanigans with his 21 mid-girlfriend, with her family making dolphin noises perversely, off the scmuck boyfriend, and friends go into the middle of the desert, squared. They run into the foreshadowing gas attendants who are hitting on the boys and the girls and kissing each other. Screeching and monkeying around with each other like chimpanzees, including Eric Roberts who ends with a freaky parrot-like repeating of “Tata!” (Instead of cawcaw). Creepers!
Tom Arnold tells two new stooges they’re to dump the tox or they’re terminated, LIKE A BOSS.
Then the first of many drone shots. But they’re artful and in context. I accept.
The schmuck boyfriend keeps the chimp-like gas attendants in check but they’re crazy. One of them offers a short cut to their festival. Schmuck boyfriend takes it to prove he’s not a schmuck after acting rude to them.
The two new tox dumpers banter about. They don’t look any brighter than the first two. Their fate is likely the same.
A car full of friends who were also going to the desert concert wake up from getting high and remember they have a concert to get to. Two girls and their drug dealer in the back seat, to be precise. She drives slowly, as high people tend to do.
Tom Arnold (“Mr. Parker” they call him now!) tells his female assistant to cover up the missing men or she’ll be next to go on a “super secret mission.” “Zip it. Lock it. Put it in your pocket.” he tells her. Funny!
The fiends discover early arrivals to this concert which just happens to be in their neck of the desert. One hooded fiend says, “Hey, you’re on a fast track to hell, man.” before he splatters him. I like that!
“I just came here for a concert! I just came here to rock’n’roll man!“
The fiend replies, “I like rock’n’roll!” as he demolishes the lost concertgoer’s head with a rock. Nicely done!
Off with the hood we see him pull out a cup and wire string phone. Poppa Bear, his name is, and he talks through the string to the other fiends who are hanging out in a dark cave. He warns the other fiends that there’s a concert in their perimeter. Preposterous but funny as fuck!
In the cave are two naked hunnies bound up and about to be mutilated before getting devoured. They are excited that they can eat everyone at this concert. But the bound-up dirt covered hotties are defiant. This pisses off one fiend who says her “tattoos make her meat taste like shit” so he cuts off huge swathes of her arm flesh to remove the tats. Fair play.
Punks break into the obviously not sold-out concert.
Then the band (apparently there really is a concert in this desert area) is recovering from addiction and a tweaked out janky Asian female road manager spergs out over the band and entourage. Sure.
Then two former addicts contemplate addictions of other kinds. I’m sensing an addiction theme here. Everyone in Desert Fiends, now that I think about it, seems like they are barely out of recovery and are one false step away from full on relapse straight into the nut house. It’s either great acting or great casting. I can’t say for sure in all cases.
Meanwhile, Dr. Beef Curtains, a.k.a. Dr. Ass (glad we straightened that name out) meanwhile is losing his nerve to perform. He just needs to chill somehow.
The second round of tox pollutin’ truckers make the same mistake as the first two. One of them takes a piss, his dick is out, but this time his helmeted head is split down the middle with an axe. The other watches haplessly. It’s funny in its own retarded way. This time one of them gets away by truck and immediately calls Parker (Tom Arnold).
Back to schmuck boyfriend and his tire gets flattened and his ‘mid’ girlfriend’s brother forgot their bags. Smooth. No supplies, dipshit!
Mr. Parker has had it with all this incompetence. He’s sending his female assistant now on her final mission. Find the truck and blow it up. (Ah! East Palestine styles. American classic way to get rid of pollution when all else fails.)
Soon the concertgoing friends have walked miles in the wrong direction based on the bad directions the crazy attendants gave them. Schmuck boyfriend confesses he’s had enough and going back to his “main bitch.” His 21st b-day girlfriend claps back, accusing him of getting cheap tickets and that this is all his fault. Schmuck has integrity in his schmuckiness (sticking to his guns) and leaves them in the desert alone. He’s outtie. Peace, bitches!
Random segway. A merchant has a funny shirt for sale that he’s wearing, “A hole is a hole.” That could have at least two meanings. Both are funny. I’ll take one!
A cavalcade of random quirky interactions around this lame-ass concert occurs. This guy’s circle seems like a lot of fun. It must have been a blast on set!
The two high girls and the drug dealer meet the band. He’s with a lot lizard hottie. She tells him what’s what. She’s just with him for the drugs. (Yeah! Don’t get it twisted!)
Meanwhile the schmuck is still thinking the girls will regret him leaving them. Another mutant fiend pretends to be a girl and calls him over. The fiend pretends to suck his dick but, I don’t know, pulls his dick off and crushes it in its hand. Hilarious.
The two heroines wander and wonder what happened to their friend in the Autumn heart t-shirt. His therapist wants to know if he’s avoiding him. No. He’s just disemboweled at the moment.
The film crew trying to capture the band deludes themselves into believing the drugged up Asian stage mommy doing a shitty, fucked-up, tweaker cabaret. It’s very funny and so quirky these side characters.
More quirk to come as a cult of Anunnaki believers are visited by the fiends in hoods. Blood spray indicates their end. Sure.
There’s absolutely too many side characters in this film but they’re all wonderful and charming to watch. I like these people. I give in! Every one of them is likeable and every one of them dies horribly (or the other definition of horribly). What’s not to love here?
I’ll try to keep it to whom I think are “main characters” who are mainly the schmuck boyfriend and the 21-year-old ‘mid’ girlfriend and their concert friends. But there’s more loveable losers, stooges, and recovering or current addicts in this film than you can shake a ripped off dick at.
It’s a real Woodstock of forgotten toys.
Dr. Ass eats free cookies and gets high. That chills him out, for now.
The fiends show up to the concert, hoods off at the 1-hour-13-minute mark. Impressive restraint. Their look is somewhere between This Island Earth, that fat Cenobite with the goggles, The Hills Have Eyes, that humanoid leech from X Files, Nothing but Trouble, Grandpa from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and Assface (from the Preacher comic book). Somewhere around there.
Tom Arnold’s female assistant is taking her problem child son with her who calls her a bitch and throws stuff out the car as she’s packing to leave. If she doesn’t blow up the toxic truck she’ll be on the dole if she can’t find it and finish the job.
A guy who defended his wife as she was making him cuckold is pissed off and feebly tries to fight Poppa Bear. Poppa Bear fiend rips cucks’ head off his shoulders while gouging his eyes out and sticks his fluorescent green dildo down his open trachea hole (where it belongs!)
The problem child randomly runs into one of the fiends and hits where his nutsack ought to be. My nuts are up here and points to his head. Then decapitates the little son of a bitch!
The fiends have lots of fun killing the fuck out of everyone at this concert. The audience thinks it’s part of the show as blood splatters on them all.
One fiend rips off some silicone tits. And the ease of which heads are crushed beneath a simple fiend foot stomp is somehow very comforting. Meanwhile, unceremoniously, another fiend eats the dick and balls of schmuck boyfriend. One too many big dick comments from him, I guess…
There’s a whole lotta fun with the fiends turning this shitty concert into a slaughter ward. Axe-happy, online murder, and cannibalistic fun for everyone.
Meanwhile, Dr. Ass literally gets his ass eaten. Booty meal!
Meanwhile momma fiend squirts milk from her head. I love it! The Garbage Pail Kids’ logic here for the fiends is impeccable! Chef’s kiss to the writers. Momma fiend brings the two lead girls (21-year-old girlfriend of schmuck and her non-descript, “mid” friend) back to the cave dungeon of the fiends.
They all reveal their mutant genetic genitals to the girls or lack thereof just to freak the girls out.
The ending is great. Nothing is answered. But it’s a fun ending that entertains.
Desert Fiends Uppers:
I came into Desert Fiends with zero expectations and was worried I was going to get some The Hills Have Eyes remake. Being on Tubi TV you must be careful, which it is currently on (and yes, I whole heartedly recommend you watch it while it’s still there! No really, go watch it tonight!). It far exceeded my wildest expectations, and I enjoyed every minute of this film. Every character, every scene, it all added up to a very entertaining and enjoyable concoction.
The slasher elements range from fun cheap splatter gags to a serious gross-out gorefest. For horror film fans of the 1980s and early to mid-‘90s this will feel like a warm bathtub for the soul. A nice pastiche of earlier films but with modern humor and extreme dick violence.
The special Effects were well utilized. The acting (or casting) was charming. The schlock and gore; couldn’t ask for more.
The whole vibe of the story was likeable character after likeable character getting massacred in a well-rounded variety of gory moments. Points for not shying away from penis chopping mayhem.
And, yes, I liked the ending. It was as appropriate an ending as a film like this can be expected to make. It promises more. A sequel? I hope so. If my little review can be of any assistance, I whole-heartedly endorse this film which is criminally underrated by critics (even of the genre). I want to see a lot more from these fiends!
Desert Fiends Downers:
While everyone was a loveable side character, it left the movie in need of a clearer protagonist in the traditional sense. Also, they didn’t close the antagonist arc well enough on the Mr. Parker character with Tom Arnold. Preserving him for a sequel too? I still liked the whole gang of listless misfits, but a clear protagonist would have raised the profile of this film. Desert Fiends was clearly here to establish and highlight the fiends themselves to the decimation of everyone else. =Which is ‘okay.’ I liked leaving the door open for sequels by design. But a clear hero or heroine would have been welcome as it is with all horror originals that flirt with sequel worthy status.
Also, the lack of music was noticed. Getting some quirky synth music out of this would have added value. For a movie about concerts, bands, and behind the scenes with music it could have used some more thematic theme songs. Maybe for a sequel if it gets one?
Overall, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. As stated (at the time of this writing) Desert Fiends is free on Tubi: Bonus! It’s still there as of today: Bonus! I fully recommend watching Desert Fiends and it deserves to be in the New Fiend genre along with Terrifier, which this film makes a great double bill with any one of those films. It’s an addition to whatever you want to call it. If you wish to denigrate and say it’s just trying to imitate Terrifier elements, well, yes, but it does so successfully and with style and humour. It’s right down my blind ally. Give it a try if you want gross moments and feel like some macabre humour tonight (or any other night). You’ll be glad you did! And remember: “A hole is a hole.”
Directed by: Shawn C. Phillips
Written by: Shawn C. Phillips, Ethan Phillips
Produced by: Abdulla Ahmed Alzaabi, Priya Atiyolil, Spencer Breslin, Nicole Butler, Erica Dyer, Robert Hoffman, Cameron Jutte, William Malkames, Shawn C. Phillips
Cinematography by: Cameron Jutte
Edited by: Eric Yoder
Music by: Guthrie Lowe
Special Effects by: Monique Paredes, Jake Porath, Eric Yoder
Cast: Eric Roberts, Bai Ling, Michael Paré, Scout Taylor-Compton, Spencer Breslin, Tom Arnold, Shawn C. Phillips
Year: 2024
Country: USA
Language: English
Colour: Colour
Runtime: 1h 46min
Studio: Prohibition Films, Frank Pulciani Media TV Promotions, Five Fork Films
Distribution: Gravitas Ventures
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