Ugly World: Six
Severed-the-fuck-cinema presents: UGLY WORLD: The Brutality Column by me (David L Tamarin).
Special thanks to Chris Severed, who is grieving the death of Michael Jackson right now, and to all my readers (or to all my one reader). Because of Chris and you readers this column exists and I can continue hunting through the net looking for crazy shit and watching shitty movies so I can bash them the way a crazy mommy bashes her children. If you like this column you can help me by videotaping your crimes for me then sending them to this address: David L Tamarin, The White House, Washington, D.C.
It has been a crazy month for crime. Lots of crimes against and by children. Serial killers. Craigslist killers. So I guess this hasn’t been a crazy month. Just the same old shit, different day. Oh yeah, Michael Jackson and that woman known for being “the chick in the 1970s poster wearing a see through one-piece bathing suit that reveals her nipples and gallons of semen have been blasted out to that image” aka Farrah Fawcet. What do you call someone who doesn’t give a fuck about all these celeb deaths? Answer: me. Seriously, Jackson will be remembered by horror fans for the video Thriller, with narration by the one and only Vincent Price, directed by John Landis (An American Werewolf in London, etc.) The video contains creepy zombies and a creepier Michael Jackson. It is more of a mini-movie than a video and is the first video I know of that tells a horror story. Could this song be an influence on bands like Necrophagia? Probably not.
News Flash
A serial killer terrorized South Carolina, killing 5 people in one week. The killer shot all his victims to death. In a way his crimes were similar to those committed by the two Washington, D.C. snipers in that someone was driving around shooting random people.
Onto this month’s column:
There were rumors of a giant behemoth of a man so big he had to be buried in multiple caskets… Some North Carolina guy was an absolute GIANT, over 6 and ½ feet tall, over 300 pounds. So when he died, there was some trouble fitting him into the coffin. The solution: Easy! Cut off his legs and stuff ‘em in the coffin. In early April 2009 his coffin was exhumed— and the rumors proved true! The person responsible for the hack job could face 10 years in prison for mutilating a corpse- meaning I can never go to South Carolina- what am I supposed to do if I’m not mutilating a corpse? Anyway, check out the picture of the giant at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30033801/.
Special Massachusetts section:
I live in Massachusetts and love reading about crime in my area. I was surprised that some of the most fucked up stories recently have been from my area. There’s been so many that I can’t describe them all in this column. So here’s just a few:
Norfolk County, Massachusetts- multiple domestic slayings in 2009. The latest one was in Quincy, slightly south of Boston. One hour from my house but I have an alibi. A pregnant woman stabbed her 9 year old daughter to death, then stabbed her fetus to death by plunging a knife into her own abdomen. An abortion and a retroactive abortion. The 9 year old was in her 43rd trimester. Fang Chi Xue, age 38, who was 7 ½ months pregnant when she performed her own abortion, is being evaluated to determine her mental health status. Here’s a clue: she’s not fit mentally to be a mother. She is not mentally fit to perform abortions either — you’re supposed to just kill that annoying little tumor-like thing known as a fetus, not the mother also, and especially not a 9-year old. Especially if you’re your own victim.
The really crazy story — in a rich suburb just a few miles from me — there was another domestic incident. This one is pretty fucked up. A young man stabbed his 17 year old sister to death in front of his two younger sisters, aged 9 and 5. When police arrived, he cut off the head of his 5 year old sister and attacked the 9 year old. The police then shot him to death. The surviving 9 year old saw her older brother kill two of her sisters in front of her, one by decapitation, then watched him attack her only to be shot to death by police officers. He decapitated the 5 year old the moment the police arrived, and like the younger sister they all witnessed the act. And in nearby Plainville a man murdered a blind aunt. There are some real fucked-up Massholes here.
This is just one of many, many incidents of crimes against children.
Alabama — A man threw 4 children to their death from an 80 foot high bride. Lam Luong was the father of three of the children. The judge imposed the death penalty, and described the horrible terror they must have experienced before their death in hitting the water. Supposedly he was depressed and addicted to drugs. Just imagine you are fishing and four kids land in the water next to your boat — that would be a truly bizarre sight.
Oregon — A psycho woman murders another woman and slits her stomach open to take the baby. The killer, Korena Roberts, met her 21 year old victim, Heather Snidely on craigslist. Roberts had claimed to be pregnant and wanted to buy baby clothes. Considering the fact that the 27 year old killer may be the ugliest woman on the planet, her chances of actual having sex were pretty low. And perhaps evolution intervened to prevent the killer psycho-bitch from having kids and creating more low-lives. The victim was bludgeoned. At this time authorities do not know if the bludgeoning or the slitting open of the woman was the cause of death. The fetus also died, at this time it is not know if the baby died in the womb or after it was forcefully removed. Roberts then stuffed Snidely’s corpse into a crawl space. Roberts claimed that the baby was her own. When police were called to the home they found the baby dead. They unsuccessfully attempted to revive the baby boy, named John Steven. Police became suspicious when they were told that Roberts had never been pregnant and had lied about being pregnant. She may have contacted other women online in order to do the same thing. This piece of shit is so fucking ugly, so monstrous looking that she is the embodiment of UGLY WORLD. This one picture represents everything ugly. I can barely look at this beast! Please, give her the death penalty by liposuctioning her until there is nothing left but big fat bones.
The sad part is that this is not an isolated case. There have been many women who have been cut open to have the baby removed, which always results in death of both the fetus and the mother. Although several films, such as Sinful (with Misty Mundae) and another film I can’t mention because I’ll be giving away the ending, have depicted this, it is not an urban legend like organ snatching or snuff movies . Speaking of snuff movies (which is something I am usually speaking of), the FBI still claims they are a myth and that there are no documented cases. Not to go off on a tangent but we all saw the executions of journalist Daniel Pearl.
A related and disturbing phenomenon is teenagers beating the shit out of other people and filming it, then posting the beating on youtube. As if getting the shit kicked out of you by five people isn’t terrible and humiliating enough, the psycho high school kids made things a million times worse by broadcasting the videos, so that the victim’s family and friends could see it, as could the victim and anyone with internet access. How the kids get away with committing violent crimes when they tape and broadcast them is beyond me. You would think that while the victim may be hurt and humiliated, at least the bullies would be caught, as their faces are always visible in the videos.
But these beatings are not being investigated and the victims have no way of getting the videos taken down. It’s as if taping and broadcasting a violent crime makes one safe from prosecution. This fucked-up phenomenon is proof of the ugliness of this world and human beings in general. While I normally enjoy violence, I don’t like these videos because I sympathize with the victims, who are nerds and outcasts and losers. In other words if I were in high school today you’d be watching videos of people beating the shit out of me. But in case you do want to check them out the best one is a girl-on-girl “fight”. I’m not sure if just beating the fuck out of someone while your friends cheer you on is an actual fight or just a violent beating (the name of a GG Allin record is Violent Beating so thanks GG for the inspiration you feces-eating, woman-blinding punk rock legend and personal hero of mine). On the other hand, I’d love to see five nerds beating the shit out of some bully, which would be a double humiliation. This brings me to my brief Ugly World Movie Reviews.
Tangent:
Most of television sucks but I enjoy the show House. There is something gory and disgusting each episode and the main character is a heartless drug addicted manipulative hooker-fucking misanthrope. There are lots of bizarre medical conditions — it’s a medical version of the X-Files but with more blood. Probably half of the episodes start out with someone vomiting blood. The goriest show on network t.v. that I know of, although I don’t watch enough television to know.
Short Ugly World review: Bully
Bully is a true tale of a group of Florida teenagers who brutally kill a… that’s right, you may have guessed it from the title… a bully! Larry Clark, infamous director of Kids, Another Day in Paradise, and Ken Park, is the genius behind this nihilistic tale of revenge, hatred, boredom, sex, and drugs. The film is based on a true story, and one of the killers sits on death row. The star of the film is Brad Renfro, best friend to the bully, played by Nick Stahl in an amazingly twisted performance. You may know Renfro as the kid from that John Grisham movie, or the star of Stephen King’s Apt Pupil or the fist-fighting-filled Deuces Wild. You may also know him as ‘that celebrity that died around the same time as Heath Ledger whose death got no media coverage because it was focusing on Ledger’.
Back to the film. The titular Bully is played by Nick Stahl, who was John Connor in Terminator 3 and one of the characters on Carnivale. He is a real fuckhead in the film. He walks in on Renfro fucking his (Renfro’s) girlfriend, then knocks Renfro unconscious and rapes his girlfriend. It is implied that he rapes Renfro too. In fact, he pimps out his best “friend” to gay men. So a bunch of wasted teen-agers decide to kill him.
The kids finally decide that they’ve had enough, and with the help of a wannabe gangster, they plan to kill the bully. In a typical example of Larry Clark’s passion for going way, way, way over-the-top, the murder is so prolonged and brutal that you almost feel pity for him. Almost. Then, because they are very stupid, as well as drunk and stoned and tripping (don’t these killers know they are giving drugs and alcohol a bad name?), the secret doesn’t stay secret long. Not to give away the ending but let’s just say that if the kids had not been caught there would not have been a book to make into the film. Brutal, intense, negative- go see it.
Review 2: Transformers 2
When a friend asked me to see Transformers 2, my first reaction was, there was a Transformers 1? My second reaction was, there is a Transformers 2? My third reaction, was, there are theatres that would show this? As it turns out, most of the people are seeing the film because it stars the love of my editor’s life, Megan Fox. I don’t care how nice her cleavage is, its not worth sitting in a theatre for hours just to see it. If the film was nothing but Megan Fox’s body, then I would recommend it, but her cleavage shots are only about 25% of the movie. Also, and I know everyone is going to disagree, Fox is a butta-face. But the body makes up for her plain-Jane looks. You’re no LeeLee Sobieski or Angelina Jolie, in terms of both looks or talent.
Michael Bay’s bowel movements are probably more interesting to watch then most of his films, and this is no exception. What’s sad is that Steven Spielberg, director of Saving Private Ryan, Schindler’s List, and other masterpieces, was involved in this piece of shit. First of all, what the fuck is a Decepticon? Second question: Was Megan Fox cast purely for her cleavage (answer: yes). Third question: how come every time I fell asleep during this almost 3-hour-long bore-fest there was shit blowing up in CGI, I would wake up to more shit blowing up. Only Michael Bay could make the act of blowing shit up lame and boring.
Oh yeah, remember that annoying, suspiciously Jamaican-sounding Jar Jar Binks in the Star Wars sequels? Well we get that here too, a bunch of jive talking, annoying transformer things that are obvious black stereotypes. And we all know that stereotyping people is only acceptable if it is funny, which it is not in either this film or the Star Wars film. For an example of politically incorrect humor, check out Blazing Saddles.
Speaking of Michael Bay, I had an accidental mini-Bay fest as the night before I had seen his Friday the 13th remake.
Next review: Friday the 13th ‘remake’
Have you ever seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (who is responsible for the TCM remake)? Because Bay has. And it looks like he has seen it so many times he never bothered to watch the original Friday the 13th. I don’t know how, but Bay turned this into a remake and TCM and the original TCM 2. Jason is protected by the locals and has a big underground cavern like the one in TCM 2. He wears a mask and is the killer in the film. Whereas in the original, Jason’s mother is the killer (no need for a spoiler alert for that, as you’ve probably seen the film if you’re on Severed Cinema’s website) and Jason is barely in it. In the sequel, he wears a paper bag over his head, and it is not until the third Friday the 13th film that we get Jason in a hockey mask. But in this film, we have Jason killing and wearing the mask early in the film.
We also have a Jason who runs. In all the real F13 films, victims run away while Jason slowly walks towards them. Yet somehow he always catches up with and kills the victims. Although it is so unrealistic that it is laughable, Jason’s ability to walk slowly and catch up with running teens has a certain charm to it, and it makes him unlike Freddy or other slasher anti-heroes. In the Bay remake, Jason runs like a motherfucker. The film starts out with a van full of teens looking for a marijuana field. That’s pretty original, except that in the TCM remake the kids are taking a trip to buy two pounds of pot. Again, Bay is remaking the wrong film. Throw in two of the minor characters from the TCM remakes (Uncle Monty and the Fat Bitch) and you have a film that is more of a remake of TCM than F13. Not only that, it is a remake of the remake of the TCM. Besides having a character named Jason Voorhees and a bunch of bouncing breasts, this is nothing like the original.
But I have to say I really enjoyed the film, for the simple fact that it is much more brutal and violent than the original. Not only is the body count higher, but the deaths are more violent and bloody. And in the original, Jason just killed people, while in Bay’s remake Jason tortures the victims first. Stupid? Yes. Violent and brutal as hell: Also a Yes. Like the two TCM remakes, this film is completely different from the original, yet more graphic in its violence. Part of the reason the original TCM is so terrifying is that we don’t see anything. In the scariest scene in film history, Leatherface grabs a victim and slams the butcher room door shut. All I could think was, I don’t know what is happening but I know its fucked up. Of course, we do end up seeing everything including Dumb Girl put on a meathook. So the original may have used less stage blood, it was still terrifying and brutal. TCM is also a social commentary in the same way that George Romero’s zombie films are (not counting the embarrassingly shitty Diary of the Dead), and the remake completely missed out on that. But like the F13, there is enough suffering, agony and violence to make this sadist quite happy. But this sadist also says that if you want to make a sequel than do it like John Carpenter’s The Thing or Rob Zombie’s Halloween. Up the gore and still tell the same story.
Ultra-short Review:
Speaking of shitting remakes, be sure to miss the remake of Prom Night. You will hate yourself if you watch it, trust me. Although “trust me” is often the last phrase my victims ever hear.
That’s all for this column, see you again in the next UGLY WORLD. If you’re bored in the meantime then go check out fight videos on youtube. I have to admit there is something quite enjoyable about seeing people suffer.
David L Tamarin
