Oops! You’re a Vampire review from Lion Heart Distribution!
There are two major issues with this one which kind of ruins what could be a smooth and classy experience: the title, Oops! You’re a Vampire, goes absolutely against the film, sounding like a teen Disney musical horror (the original title, Thicker than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 wasn’t much better but, y’know….). Then we have the conclusion which is abrupt and under achieving, like the ending of the two Sean Weather’s flicks I reviewed years ago (see reviews for Scumbag Hustler and The Fappening). They were made by someone who doesn’t know how to put together a full solid finale. Unfortunately, neither does Phil Messerer and it’s a damn shame! Oops! You’re a Vampire is truly a little masterpiece which delivers bucket loads of entertainment. It has plenty of good ingredients bubbling but the cauldron spills in the final delivery.
Actress, Eilis Cahill is totally awesome. She is the backbone for this, taking nothing away from the rest of the central cast, as everybody works hard and gives us fleshed out characters which are natural, thus gaining sympathy from the viewer as the descending pit facing them degenerates everything, they have taken for granted. The narrator for our tale sets up the comedy aspect early on — thankfully the comedy fades later since it would hardly fit in well. He speaks of the Mayans and their habits of (prolonged speech) “… huuuumaaaan sacrifice.” We then cut to goth alt teen, Laura (cue metal soundtrack) and she’s lighting up a candle at her alter. The music is cool. It’s a bit like Lacuna Coilish. Her sister, Helen, runs into the room, fucking with her stuff. The mic quality is dubious but manageable.
Ok, the music over the credits as we see her wandering a cemetery, is superb. My Partner in Gore, Willow commented that Laura is like seeing herself 15-years-ago, dressing the same, hair identical “to her arse!” The girl oozes mood. There’s a gravestone with ‘Bjork’ on it. Tints on colour and the style of shooting really gives this movie a throwback to the SOV ‘80s feel. I’d say, Heavy Metal Massacre, but that’d be cruel.
Next comes a round the table introduction to her family after Laura states in narrative that this was the day everything changed. Helen is her twin sister; they really don’t like each other. There’s Ray, who’s studying to be something in the medical profession which involves gratuitous dissection and similar things. Apparently, he has a huge collection of gay porn too — and a giant elastic band ball which he’s very proud of. Their Bulgarian mum used to be a figure skater before an accident occurred. Anyway, mum and dad announce their separation. End of meal. A waste of nice-looking food.
Where they live is a quaint quiet town that sells nothing of interest, apart from the Freakerorium, which constantly draws Laura inside. This day, the curator shows her a huge, illustrated volume about Oya, an ancient vampire lady. There’s a quick flashback to what happened to the maker of the tome (this is one of only thirteen made, the other twelve have been destroyed). They open the book. Laura questions its authenticity. He says why would they destroy the others? If it is an old hoax, it would have been hugely elaborate for its time, and for what gain?
Her hatred for Helen grows, more so that her sister is flirting with a guy she has a crush on, encouraging him to wind her up. Laura performs a very intense ritual — “Anal acne curse!” The next morning, Helen is bleeding dreadfully from her nose and collapses, soon dying, but apologising to Laura for not trying harder.
Ray checks a sample of Helen’s blood; he claims she was carrying a new unknown virus. Her blood was disappearing from within. However, he also discovers that ultraviolet light kills the virus, but also destroys the host. As mum and Laura cry, talk, and hold one another, there’s a sinister knock on the door. A flash of lightening reveals it to be Helen, soaked in blood. Helen is sobbing. She killed the mortician and drank his blood. She’s traumatized. The police arrive, they hide her.
The police say that Helen’s body plus the mortician have gone. Helen is confused afterwards as she knows she left him there (this plot point is not touched upon ever again). Our narrator returns to explain how Oya originated from Mayans, she was kept locked away and fed sacrifices. As the people died out, her hunger drew her out. Oya slaughtered to survive.
Helen taunts Laura, blaming her for this. “Didn’t you always want to be a vampire? Here’s your chance!” Ray concludes that the blood inside his sister isn’t just her own, but it’s dying fast. Within seventy-two-hours, she’ll need more — lots more. Laura knows something about what Helen may have become, and what they will be facing soon. Discussion turns to offering sacrifices — animal blood is no good, town folks would be missed, so perhaps tourists. Mum and Helen are torn due to being deeply religious. Time is running out; Helen will become a savage out of control monster no matter how much she resists. They family must unite and decide…
Oops! You’re a Vampire, for its stupid title, is one of the deepest, heart rendering depictions of the subject and the dissolution faced by a fledgling vampire of themselves plus everything around them. Helen is brilliant, constantly battling and questioning herself, tortured by her beliefs. Mum declines rapidly, losing her faith as she begun the adventure thinking God had returned her daughter, but the terrible truth sticks. Ray keeps heads of the men he brings home for Helen. There’s wonderful natural comedy touches to the characters, their conversations, and actions similar to Shawn of the Dead, fluid and realistic. It’s a portrayal of a family collapsing when one member strays from the flock — played to the extreme.
The effects and gore are placed in good places. They are slow burning and building until explosions of blood, etcetera. It’s all so fantastic until the end, which simply doesn’t go anywhere, nothing is memorable, we waited for perhaps an added scene in the credits. Is it sequel bait? Bad writing? Who knows? The film apparently took years to shoot due to people’s real-life stuff like work interfering. It was well worth the time and efforts all in all. The low-grade camera also achieves a kind of solemn mood over everything, not grainy, just otherworldly — plus it does look like a SOV ‘80s flick as I said.
Phil has directed a fair few shorts over the years, plus a couple of full lengths and looks like this movie was originally put out a while ago under its original title, so dunno what’s going on, whether this is a rerelease with additional material or whatever. Either way, hopefully a brand-new audience will get their fill of blood from this one. Willow and I were entertained — spot on soundtrack too. I just had to say that again.
Directed by: Phil Messerer
Written by: Phil Messerer
Produced by: Phil Messerer, Dustin Leddy, Michael Gongora
Cinematography by: Phil Messerer
Editing by: Phil Messerer
Music by: Liz Lysinger, Dave Willis Lorenz, Temple of Echoes, Demona Mortiss
Special Effects by: Randell Leddy
Cast: Eilis Cahill, Devon Dionne, Michael Strelow, Phil Messerer, Jojo Bristova, Evan Lucas
Year: 2022
Country: USA
Language: English
Colour: Colour
Runtime: 1h 24m
Studio: The Sugar Factory, PhillyFlix
Distributor: Lion Heart Distribution